Jar of Hearts by Jamithephotographer

The Ice Inside My Soul

As some of you may know, music has quite a profound effect on the way I think and feel. I know that’s the purpose of music, to stir ones emotions, and I know we all have our unique little connections to particular songs and such. There are millions of articles and websites out there dedicated to just this topic… Those of us who consider ourselves the “creative” or “artistic” type, usually use music to help us drift into our imaginations and stir up the beginings of some creative chain of thought, perhaps something to write, paint, compose etc.

For me, music is about much more than that though. Sometimes, it’s like my entire life is only skin deep… and lately, it’s definitely been feeling like that. It’s like nothing can penetrate in, no real emotions, no real feelings… nothing. And on the inside, I’m still this hollow little child, waiting for something in my life to stir me into being. I’ve always been drawn to music, and if you ever get a chance to see my playlist, you’ll notice that the songs I’ve collected over the years, aren’t exactly the most upbeat sounds. I absorb the music, and art in general, and they become these external expressions of myself. I know this isn’t really making much sense, but I’m trying to explain it as best I can.

To put it bluntly… my thoughts, feelings, emotions… are all external, made up of a collection of different works over the years. My beliefs about love all stem from Shakespeare for example. What I decided “Love” is, isn’t something I’ve come up with on my own after experiencing it… it was something there long before I even thought of falling into love. All because of one particular poem, Sonnet 116. And over the years it’s been added to by various different works of art, music and poetry, so that I now have a complex concept of love… but in fact, none of it is actually mine… does that make sense at all? I think I’m being completely none-sensical here. Damn.

Sometimes it feels like a song is written just for you… or about you. Take for example Adele’s album “21” (The greatest album of all time), I’m sure most of us feel like that album is so individually tailored to ourselves. It’s like Adele looked right through us and knew exactly what to say. “Don’t You Remember”, “Someone Like You” etc. Those songs stir in us so many emotions and memories.

A song I’ve been listening to a lot lately is “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri… At first, I imagined myself as her, singing this song to all the bad guys out there that have hurt me over the years… but the more I listened, the more I realized that I was the bad guy… I am the bad guy. It clicked one day, I just had to alter the lyrics slightly… from You to I… “Who do I think I am, running round leaving scars, collecting my jar of hearts, and tearing love apart?” And the truth of it is… I did “…catch a cold from the ice inside [my] soul…” That’s why my 2011 ended so terribly… I spent the entire year blaming the world for my problems, when in reality, I was the one running around hurting everybody, and all of that was hurting me.

I’ve been so adamant on finding the “perfect guy”, someone to fix everything and save me from the world, that I was hurting everyone, and casting aside those I let get close only to shatter them. I’ve been cruel… I’ve been the bad guy of my own story. There are a couple of guys out there, and girls, who I’ve hurt so much, for my own gain. I loved a girl, but left her to sleep with guys… saying that I was doing her a favor in the long run… who was that favor really helping? I could have been a man, fanned the flames of our love, and stayed with her. I love her still, that’s the hard part, she’s the only girl I’d even consider being with. Then there are the guys, the ones who have cared a lot about me over the years, and I’ve rewarded them with constant hurt, not just by ending the relationships, but by not being able to let them get on with it.

The minute I feel incredibly weak, I latch onto one of them, and never really let them forget me… because that’s scary right? Being forgotten by someone who used to care for you so, so much. If they move on, then I have no one, and my own company isn’t that great. My own company is the reason I get into all this mess in the first place.

Ok, I guess this post is a little chaotic, and doesn’t really make much sense at all. I guess sometimes you just have to vent.

Listen to “Safe and Sound” by Taylor Swift… That’s my new song. I’m directing those lyrics to myself…The little piece of me on the inside that’s untouched by all the shit on the world, the innocent, inner me… it’s singing to me now, “Just close your eyes, the sun is going down, you’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now, come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound”. Sometimes we just have to listen to that inner child, nobody sees the world quite like a child does. What would the 5-year-old us say to ourselves if they could see us now?

Peace.

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This entry was published on February 16, 2012 at 10:57 pm. It’s filed under Dear Void and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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