On 3am, Being Gay and Loneliness

(Posting a draft that I worked on quite awhile back)

Sometimes 3am is the best time to have some peace of mind… clarity of thought. I often find that my best ideas come around this time, which is odd, because I remember reading somewhere that this is usually the time that our brains and bodies begin to function less (the reason why alot of elderly people, and the sick, die in their sleep, in the night!). I have given a number of things some serious consideration tonight, and I am going to attempt to discuss some of them here, the noise of the clothes dryer tumbling away in the background… a great time, and setting, for deep thought, don’t you think?

Homosexuality… I know I’ve mentioned it a few times, but haven’t really gone into any depth. I guess, for the most part, I like to consider homosexuality as a certain aspect of my life, and not the defining feature (though as I write that down, I realize it’s more the other way round). One of the peculiar aspects of homosexuality (an aspect commented about and shown throughout all sorts of medium world over), is the extremely high levels of promiscuity. And I know alot of people would disregard it as abit of stereotype… but based on my observations and personal actions, I can honestly say, that as a sub-group of society, homosexuals are noticeably more promiscuous, well, I can only speak about homosexual males… I haven’t really had much experience or observation with/of lesbians.

I guess males on the whole are “hornier” than females, so when you get two “horny” guys together, something is bound to go down… at least I think I use that as an excuse sometimes. I have to admit, I have been quite promiscuous in the past, and I even have the odd hook-ups now and then. Which leads into the “Loneliness” part of this post… I used to love sex, I mean I really loved having sex. It used to make me feel on top of the world, everything was better. And now, I find that it only helps to make me feel worse about myself. I feel incredibly lonely.

The search for Mister Perfect, or Mister Right, is going nowhere… when I stop looking, because of that cliche old saying “He’ll find you” or “It’ll happen when you stop looking for it”, and I just take some “me” time… I get nothing… I spend weeks and months trying to pretend to myself that I’m not utterly miserable. And then, I bounce back, and ride around on my horse of positivity, searching for the illusive “one”… it only serves to remind me how lonely I am. Urgh, Sorry guys, I didn’t want to go on about myself again, but as always, I am.

Being Gay in New Zealand is difficult… but being Gay in Christchurch has gotten a whole lot harder… 7000+ aftershocks and a couple of major quakes have basically left the Gay Scene utterly wasted. Apart from the internet, and friends of friends, there isn’t really any way of meeting guys. The search for Mister Right has been thwarted once more.

About seven weeks ago, they re-opened the local gay bar, in a new location, and despite my previous opinions about gay bars, I actually found myself loving it there! I wanted to go every week. And then on Monday just gone, there’s another bloody aftershock, a 6.3, which goes and fucks up the buildings around the new bar… which has now been red-stickered, meaning it’s closed and cannot be accessed…. goodbye gay scene once again!

One day…

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This entry was published on June 19, 2011 at 2:15 am. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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