My dear void,
Let me tell you about a boy. His name, is Liefde.
But before I tell you about him… let me tell you a little something else about my past. I’m not too sure if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but I used to be quite heavily involved in Church. When I was raised religious my whole life, and after a brief absence from the Church during my Uni years, (and to be truthful, the years when I decided I need to “live”), I found myself rediscovering my Faith, and I did, in a very big way. I went from being passive in Church, to being actively against the Church, to being heavily involved in the Church.
My Faith was solid, after a few trials and tests, I found myself in the arms of God. But I was also stuck between two worlds, on the one hand, I believed that God loved me, and on the other, I was gay, and I believed that God was displeased with me. I feared losing him…
And that’s when I met Liefde, who changed everything. Liefde is a Latter Day Saint, so straight away it should have been chalk and cheese… we were both male, so straight away it stood against everything we believed in… we were both afraid what would happen with our Faith, our friends, our families, so straight away it should have ended before it began.
Yet, despite EVERYTHING being against us… We found ourselves connecting on a level I had never experienced before. I even introduced him to my family (as a friend), and despite our differences in belief, my family actually took to him, which surprised me. I really loved my time with him. The most amazing thing about the whole thing, was that he helped me to realize that my homosexuality, and my Faith were not contradicting ideas. Despite what the Church says… I was miserable when I turned on myself, when I thought I needed to be healed. And when I decided to stop, when I decided it was time to love myself again, I felt like God was giving me a big thumbs up.
Liefde and I ended, by my doing. I thought I was making the best decision, for him more-so than me. I was scared that he would have to give up so much, and I didn’t want to be the reason for that. I was scared that in the end he would hate me for changing his life. Liefde and I hadn’t spoke for almost a year.
A few days ago I woke from a dream at about 5am, and it was like a sudden revelation. I hadn’t heard from God in awhile, but I had prayed for the first time in a couple of weeks, and I had asked about my future… I needed help clearing the cloud that has settled over my life since the earthquake. I awoke, suddenly, and it was like everything in me, my body, my heart, my soul, was burning with his name, with his face. I went from being empty, to being completely in Love. I can’t describe it, I really wish I could. It was like my eyes were opened for the first time. I have talked about Love in the past, and I have given my opinions on it, and bullshitted about it, but I think, that for the first time in my life, I have actually found that very rare of things, 100%, honest, God-given, Love.
I do not consider myself a religious person, I am no longer a member of any Church. My relationship with God has not suffered for it. I have a personal relationship with Him. My relationship with God has been something I have kept to myself since I moved down to Christchurch.
Anyways, I think I have gone on quite enough for this post, so I will leave you with something I wrote at about 3am this morning (I couldn’t sleep, Liefde was on my mind).
Listening to the rain falling on my roof
My heart turns to times gone by
Of Laughter and Joy and of Love
And then the wind blows
It shakes me to my very core
And cleans away the cobwebs of my Soul
For the wind and the rain
Bring me messages, memories of you
Each drop of rain, a touch of Love
Each rustle of a leaf, a soft embrace
To say I miss you
Is to compare a candle to the sun
For words alone cannot do justice to my feelings
To say I Love you
Is to compare a glass of water to the ocean
For words alone cannot encompass the vastness of my Love
But for now
I miss you
And I Love you
Will have to do.