So I was lying in bed at about 2am this morning, watching Sex and the City. Carrie was reeling something off about relationships, and hiding away our single-self on a shelf somewhere (this sounds like I’m an avid watcher of Sex and the City, I can assure you, as cliche as it might be, I’m not).
Anyway, it got me to thinking. I could hardly sleep, thoughts racing through my head on everything related to relationships or love… and I mean everything, from my past ones, to potential future ones, from people I’ve loved, to people I’ve lost, from past, to present, to future. My first instinct was to jump onto the computer and type away, vent my thoughts here and let them be lost in this virtual void. But I decided to try and piece my thoughts together, ponder the things I’ve lost, plan for the future… work out exactly what I do want, and not what I think I want.
Carrie also said something that sort of hit home:
I started to think about restlessness and relationships. Once we’ve found what we’re searching for, why are some of us so reluctant of letting go our single selves? Is single life just a constant flurry of fun and friends that settling down immediately fills us with the urge to shake things up again?
That has been me, so many times! And I’m sure it’s so many people out there, not just teens, or people in their twenties, but people of all ages. Like a newlywed, I’m sure many newlyweds out there begin lamenting their “total” loss of single life? For me, I think I used to spend so much on the chase, the thrill of the catch, that when I finally won, I was too exhausted to hold on. Or worse, I just got bored. I know I’m not the only person who that has happened to.
But now, now I am in mourning. The idea of falling in love with someone, and being there for and with that one someone, happily, for the rest of your life… is, well, it’s just that isn’t it? An Idea. Well I say screw that! It’s time for Love to find it’s feet again… it’s time for films and T.V shows and all media, to start to show it again… don’t you think?
Instead of seeing that guy who has four girlfriends and whatever, I want to see that guy who’s dedicated. It’s no wonder that our current society is on the rocks really… what do we teach our kids? Violence, bad language, lack of respect, selfishness, that it’s ok to cheat… as long as you don’t get caught. It makes my stomach churn to be honest.
I guess what this all pinches down to: I’m lonely. I’m in mourning for lost love, and I’m scared that it’s lost forever. I’m scared that it’s my fault. That I’ve done the pushing away, and that I’ve killed my chances of falling for the one special someone. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m destined to be loveless… but then, who writes well when they are happy?
Here’s to hopeful wishes… that I’ll be swept off my feet, by my very own knight in shining armor.